There seems to be a general understanding that talking to a therapist (counsellor, psychologist, social worker, etc) should be helpful, but how it’s helpful remains a mystery. Here’s a little something that might demystify how therapy is helpful. It’s an eloquently written letter from Ros to her therapist, beautifully encapsulating how therapy helped her to alter her thought processes and outlook, and positively reshaped how she experienced her world. It’s so easy for us to compassionately suggest to our loved ones to “talk to a professional” when they’re hurting. Less easy is answering their responding question of “how’s that going to help? Talking about it isn’t going to fix it.” Or perhaps you yourself have been the one struggling to grapple with how talking could possibly resolve a seemingly impossible situation. Check out Ros’ letter, quoted below, to see how therapy can offer some hope in areas of life that are shrouded in hopelessness.
I never thought I would like myself again. When I got into that deep pit of depression, I didn’t think I could find my way out. Everywhere I turned I saw darkness and dislike. My hair wasn’t right, my clothes weren’t right, my voice was too high, my height was too low. Oh, God was it awful, I couldn’t escape from this self I couldn’t stand. I’m afraid I can understand why someone could kill themselves in such a state. Who said “Hell is other people”? In that place Hell is yourself and there seems to be no escape. The future is downhill; the past I messed up.
It’s still hard to believe I talked myself into that dark dungeon. Everywhere I turned I saw negative stuff. The old wine bottle wasn’t just half empty; to me there wasn’t a drop left. It’s amazing what your mind can do to you.
I really appreciate how you helped me find my way through my mental maze. It became fun trying to discover what I was telling myself to keep me down. Yes, it was depressing to have been divorced, but I couldn’t focus on positive facts of still having my friends, my children, my writing, and my future. In the future I was constructing in my mind, the sun was never going to shine again.
Thanks for helping me to use my writing as homework to straighten out my thinking. Before I came to see you, my writing sounded like Sylvia Plath—all darkness and despair. It’s not that there’s not a dark side of life—it’s just that if all I think about is the dark side, then life becomes empty rather than full.
One of the most helpful things about the work we did together is that I learned how to correct my own maladaptive cognitions. I learned how to search and destroy the automatic self-statement that said I was bad; situations were bad; the future was bleak; my biology was breaking down. As a writer, I appreciate how powerful words can be, but I never knew how we can create our own novel in our heads and then cast ourselves as the tragic characters destined to self-destruct.
Just wanted to let you know that the new novel I’m writing in my mind is so much happier. It’s not that everything is perfect. I still don’t like my hair but that will probably always be an obsession with me, and I still am searching for a man to make my life more meaningful. I know I should think more independently but that’s how women of my generation were raised to think. So sometimes I would rather change my situation than my thoughts about my situation. But at least I don’t let the situations drag me down.
Quote taken from Prochaska, J. O., & Norcross, J. C. (2018). Systems of psychotherapy. Oxford University Press. Chapter 10.
